One of my best friends goes by the name of Barry Gamble. He is wondrous man that I met when I was eleven years old. In fact my four closest friends in the world were all in the same 5th grade class with me. Considering the class probably had about 16 students that is pretty fucking impressive. But back to Barry. Barry is a weird dude. He is one of my favorite people on Earth but he does not really make a lot of sense as a human. He has some of the strongest opinions of anyone I have ever met but most of them contradict each other. His fashion sense is unexplained borrowing elements of punk and hip hop culture mixing it with exclusively Old Navy T-shirts that he buys off the $5 rack. He is a fitness fanatic and at 6’4″ he is kinda an imposing dude yet he has never been in a fight and the only sport he has ever excelled in is bowling which he has a 200+ average. He was the capitan of the varsity cross country team his senior year in high school despite never running a varsity race. He was one of the slowest members of the JV team yet he was beloved by all that they bestowed upon him the honor of captain which was probably as funny to them as it was to me. He is not just a slow runner, he is an unreasonably patient man and does everything with purpose and intern is one of the slowest mother fuckers I have ever encountered. This trait as earned him the nickname Slo’ Barry which I will personally carve into his tombstone if I somehow manage to outlive him.
On top of Barry’s physical gifts he is also quite the showman. He is a pianist and singer and we once started a 1979 style rap group called The Party Rock Three. Together with a group of three other gentlemen came in third place in our high school talent show for our rendition of Soft Cells rendition of Tainted Love. Barry won the male beauty pageant at his collage three years in a row making him the only three time Mr. Lynchburg College in school history. He was robbed of his fourth crown purely because he was the front runner. I drove several hours to witness him defend his title and he was the clear winner despite losing in the end. But above all, Barry is a friend. A friend who dedicated a song in my honor for some reason. I have no idea what gave him the idea to write a song about me to the tune of Elton John’s The Measure of A Man, but he did and I thank him dearly for it.
Below the video I present annotated lyrics. Click the highlighted links to learn just a little more about me than you ever wanted to know. God save us all.
Click here to view the embedded video.
He’s taking pictures every night
Which he then shares on his website
He gets the ladies in the mood
So that they model in the nude
Join him in the bathroom for a shoot.
Take off your clothes, untie your shoes
Show him your boobs
You’ll see Igor is a man
He downs hard liquor twice a year
Best of the best at chugging beer
His appetite a god did make
I’ve seen him eat 5 lbs of steak
He drowned his beef in A1 and cleaned his plate
He seldom drinks, he’s a good dude
Eats lots of food
He is a mountain of a man
It’s the warmth of his voice, the touch of his hand
Tattoos you’ll never understand
Heart on his sleeve, reluctance to dance
That’s why Igor is a man
He’s always got time for his friends
And his baby brother Ben
Obsessed with football in the fall
I hope his Dolphins win it all
His posture sucks, he never stands up tall
One of a kind producer of work
Sometimes a jerk
You’re the measure of a man